we knew it would be a tough transition which is why we only intended to stay for a halfday or a half of a halfday... but in the end we stayed for about a half an hour! It should also be noted that when we arrived- Autumn was sleeping so really we were only there AWAKE for roughly 20 minutes. There was maybe only 2 minutes of that 20 when neither of us was crying. I tried to keep away and let the professionals take care of her needs, but as i sat on the comfy couch in one corner I just found myself shaking uncontrollably. I heard the lead-teacher say "i think mommy needs a kleenex" and I was thinking- I think mommy needs a sedative! Once I got a bit of a grip on my emotions- Autumn completely lost hers. She started sobbing and she just started wailing. Now, if you haven't had the pleasure- you should know that Autumn's face turns bright red when she starts crying. The skin near her eyebrows is especially sensitive and turns red... couldn't stop crying and screaming. We did the diaper thing, we tried (oh yeah- at this point i was now fully involved, no more sitting back)- we nursed and even that didn't work. Now that she had awakened the other three kids who had been sleeping and showed no signs of letting up- we pulled our stuff together and left.
i tried to be positive and said to the teacher- well- " Hey, maybe next time we will stay for a bit longer"... but what i was thinking was " Hey, well maybe I will just quit my fucking job and we will never see you again!".
I don't know what to say about it.... it sucked, it was awful, i felt like a horrible mother who couldn't soothe her child.... in addition to the overwhelming feelings of inadequacy, i had to write them a check for $391.40. This I was informed covers the $35 deposit, the 2week deposit and the first week. So far she has been there for a grand total of 30 minutes. On Friday apparently there is another $270 due. Really?@!@@@
So, Wednesday we are supposed to try again and I will try to be well rested and try to last at least an hour. I don't think I can handle many more visits like today's. The teachers just looked at me with understanding eyes and told me how hard "it is" and I thought- Well, why is it so fucking hard. Why can't we live in a country like Denmark where most mothers are given two years off with FULL PAY for maternity leave. Why does it have to be so hard- why can't we value motherhood in this country and provide opportunities for mother's to stay with their children until they can at least express their frustrations verbally... why am I sitting on the floor of a daycare facility surrounded by babies who are all younger than five months of age? "It is really hard"- NO SHIT it is hard, that is why I am sitting here shaking like a leaf of a tree, trying to get my head around the fact that my beautiful little girl is looking over her shoulder at me wondering why I am not there holding onto her? She is trying to figure out why there is a new face (albeit one with twenty years of experience) telling her it will be alright... why is it not me there speaking in our special mother/daughter raspberry code.... it is really hard is right.
wednesday is a new day and maybe it will be a day where she will like the new toys and the new faces, but i have a feeling I won't like it there for a long time.