A new day. Another try at daycare. We waited until after our morning nap and then we headed out in the car with positive feelings and optimistic thoughts. We arrived at the center and entered the Infant room. Autumn was still in her carseat with binky firmly planted between her lips. I put her down in the center of the room and walked away to start unloading all the 'stuff' the center handout had told me to bring.
I placed her change of clothing in her little cubbyhole (labeled with her name), I placed her diapers and wipes under the changing table in her little basket, I unloaded her own personal breast milk into the freezer... and as I glanced over I noticed that a small (very small) crowd had formed around Autumn who was still in her carseat. (inside my head- WHY is she still in her carseat?!, WHY hasn't one of the teachers taken her out to let her play, WHY is she still just sitting there?!) Her big eyes were scanning the crowd of onlookers- three kids and one teacher sat right next to her carseat and let her have time to get used to things, but interacted and talked with her (inside my head- i guess it is not so bad that they let her sit in her carseat afterall).
After a moment- the head teacher, Donna, went over to Autumn and lifted her slowly out of her seat. She let her stand up and look around... and I don't know if it was planned (unlikely), but right at that moment the other teacher saddled up to me and started talking to me about her childcare experiences and my emotional display on Monday. She laughed when she told me that I was "funny" the other day and that each day it will get easier. To make myself feel better, I joked with her "Well, surely with all your years of experience, I did not have the worst reaction to bringing in my child -smirk, smirk, chuckle, chuckle "... she said," Oh, Rhona- I wouldn't say you had the worst reaction in my twenty years, but maybe the worst in the past five years!!! hahahahaha....". Hmmmm - the worst reaction in five years... well maybe that just means that I love my daughter the most... right?
Occasionally during my conversation with this teacher, I looked over at Autumn and suddenly my tears started flowing again ... there she was- standing and having a good time.... with someone other than me. Donna was smiling at her and she was smiling back..... no doubt about it- I was jealous. So, now I was not only crying because she was sad, I was crying because she was happy.... good lord. It was clearly time for mom to head out... I looked at the teachers and said I am going to leave for awhile.... I will be back soon... they laughed and truly didn't expect me to make it out the door... but I did- I left the premises. I went for a drive, got a latte and walked around a grocery store for a little while.
The number of mothers and children at the grocery store was staggering... was it always like this ??@!#!! Every aisle I walked was filled with mothers smiling lovingly at their kids... I couldn't even hear the musak because of the baby sounds coming from everywhere... I was surrounded by kids, yet not my own. I walked around until I ended up staring at the diapers and thought it might be time to head back. I left Autumn alone for 45 minutes.
When I came back, she was sitting on Donna's lap having just finished a bottle (of my breast milk thank you very much!)... Donna was working at burping her, but I noticed that she still had her binky in her mouth. I said- "She sometimes burps a bit better without her binky in her mouth (who doesn't know that?!)- and as Donna pulled the binky out, my dear sweet baby let out a whale of a belch. While Donna congratulated her for her burp , I smiled to myself thinking she still needs me.
Friday is another day and we will see if we can last just a little longer. Today was a good day.
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